Instinct, Precognition: Panther & Shri Yantra
A year ago today I started the painting that I completed yesterday. (You can see the dates at the top of the screenshots of the images of my process) It was inspired by a reoccuring dream that I kept having of a panther stalking me and my kids. I wasn't scared of the panther, just aware that we were being followed and felt a need to protect my children. It came to me night after night and finally in one of the dreams. I followed the panther, through a thick jungle in a dark cave, trying to figure out what it wanted to show me.
I woke up in the dark morning hours on April first, absolutley panicked, in a cold sweat, sobbing from the next scene in that dream. I recalled an ambulance in my driveway, where I saw what looked like either my younger brother, at 11, or my child (I wasn't quite sure) who was now the same age, strapped to a stretcher. I was so shaken by this dream, I got up and walked around the house, checking on my kids. Then looking out the window into the driveway, my love heard me walking around, and came out into the living room seeing that I was crying and asked what was wrong. I told him about it, he comforted me, and reminded me that it was just a nightmare but I couldn't shake this deep unsettling feeling that something was coming.
Lingering in my subcouncious I was worried that my younger brother, or my kids were in danger.
Exactly 14 days later I would awaken to strange noises in the dark, which I would get up to go investigate, to find my child on the floor, unconcious and unresponsive even to sternum rubs. The ambulance nightmare scene would then play out in front of my eyes, as paramedics and EMTs surrounded my child who had a pulse and a heartbeat, but was not responding.
During the ambulance ride, he opened his eyes, but was not talking, and he began to seize, the paramedics would ask if he had diabetes or epilepsy. They would administer an emegency seizure medication. In the half hour long ambulance ride, as the sun was rising, we passed under a bridge, on the other side we we greeted by the rising sun and the sight of a double rainbow in the sky. Just as the ambulance driver pointed it out, I heard my son's voice from the back of the ambulance, confused, saying "mom?" and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. As he turned his head to look at me, and I looked at him. The hospital would run a series of tests, and after an EEG confirmed he had seizure activity, they would diagnose him with epilepsy and start him on Keppra. I wish I could say everything go easier from there, for a time Keppera controlled his tonic clonic or gran mal seizures (the dangerous kind) but we not entirely controlling his focal aware, and myoclonic seizures. This challenging journey has been full of medication changes, EEGs, EMUs, MRI's and is still somthing we are learning to cope with together as a family. My youngest son Leo, is now 12, it has been almost a year since he was diagnosed with Epilepsy. We may never know what initially caused it. In October of last year he was also diagnosed with FND. About 30% of people who have Epilepsy will also have FND. Functional Neurological disorder is a spectrum disorder that is unfortunaley loaded with bias despite being a legitimate medical condition. His nervous system is not fuctioning properly. It's been a wild, scary, rollercoaster of a journey, and during it, I set this painting aside, not knowing what it wanted from me, until I looked at it yesterday.
What does any of this have to do with this painting you ask? Well, art is my way of coping, my tool for self expression. Creating art, helps me trust my intuition, and tap into my subconscious. I use symbolism from my dreams, and the emotions that I am feeling to make my art. I learn a lot about myself, and about life through this process, and it helps me connect to others. Art in all it's forms are a way of meaning making. I believe in my heart that series of dreams leading up to the event were preparing me for a difficult journey into the unknown. One that has tested me spiritually.
I don’t believe the panther was something to fear—it was something to pay attention to, a gaurdian to follow, preparing me. It was the part of me that already sensed the challenges ahead. This painting carries that journey: the courage to face what hasn’t happened yet, the patience, the lessons, all of it. It holds the divine strength of a mother learning to trust what she cannot control.
When you look at this painting, I hope you don't just see a panther—I want you to feel what it’s like to look at the unknown and realize the journey of life itself is a curriculum. It will hand you challenges you may not feel equipped for. These challenges, and how you respond to them, teach you not only about yourself but also about the people you love. My son’s health has taught me more about community, resilience, about how the brain and nervous system function, and how precious and fragile each moment is.
So I wonder—what part of your life is asking for your attention? Where could trusting your intuition, instead of turning away, to reveal a hidden path? And if you stopped running from your fears—if you followed them into the dark—what truths or wisdom might you discover about yourself?
If you are interested in this piece, it is listed and is currently available in my shop, until it says it has sold. Thank you for your continued attention and support in my artistic journey.